Contentment...that's a word I haven't used much. Sure, I use it when I am counseling a friend that seems to have all the same symptoms I have had lately, but me? Not content? Hmmmm....it's true. For the past couple of weeks a restlessness has filled me. This restlessness has even caused a near heart palpitation as I just want to jump out of my skin, run through fields, yell at the top of my lungs and fall on my knees emptied from all of these crazy emotions.
Instead, I find myself in a small apartment, talking to an invisible audience, working for a boss I never see and serving a husband who has his head in a book 90% of the time or so it seems. If only I could hear the audience laugh or cry with me, if only I could reach through the phone and hand my boss the papers he needs and see the approval in his eyes, if only my husband would steal me away for a weekend and we only talk about each other and our future and dreams of ministry without a worry in the world. If only....
Then there is the issue of being 25 and all my friends having babies. Wow. That's fun. I really haven't been left out of too many things in life. Sure I was never a part of the "in crowd", but God blessed me with accomplishments, friends and an amazing family. For the first time though, a clock in me is ticking and I can't do a darn thing about it. Tick, tock, tick, tock...where's that measley alligator following me around with the "mommy clock" in his belly? Where does he come from and how do I lose him for a few more years? Capt. Hook, I understand why the tick tock drove you mad now.
One would think that an amazing husband who loves the Lord would be enough. One would think that a dream job and being a part of something much bigger than myself would be enough. One would think that an incredible family full of love for us would be enough. One would think that not missing a meal and being fully clothed for all occassions would be enough. One would especially think that God's grace, His mercy, His love, His salvation and His desire to have a relationship with me would be enough.
I think it is. However, satan slanders this beautiful picture and tells me it's not.
That's where I sit tonight. Tired of the lies, tired of the restlessness and tired of looking for the greener grass. It's here. An incredibly wonderful picture, drawn by my Heavenly Father instead of Burt, lays before me on the sidewalk and all I need to do is jump into it with faith. I can't wait for Mary Poppins to take my hand...it's time to jump.
Hello contentment. I'm here to stay. "Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am." Philippians 4:11
Father God, Please move powerfully in my heart right now and break me of my restlessness nature. I need your forgiveness and grace and I repent of speaking from want. Please don't leave me to my fleshly desires and wants. They will not fulfill me. Only You can satisfy. You are my living bread and water. I love You and I will step in faith into the picture you have painted for me and I will be content with what You have placed before me. I'm thrilled and grateful for Your many, many blessings. I am learning to be content and I ask for Your strength as I embark on this journey. Thank you, Father.