Contentment

Contentment...that's a word I haven't used much. Sure, I use it when I am counseling a friend that seems to have all the same symptoms I have had lately, but me? Not content? Hmmmm....it's true. For the past couple of weeks a restlessness has filled me. This restlessness has even caused a near heart palpitation as I just want to jump out of my skin, run through fields, yell at the top of my lungs and fall on my knees emptied from all of these crazy emotions.

Instead, I find myself in a small apartment, talking to an invisible audience, working for a boss I never see and serving a husband who has his head in a book 90% of the time or so it seems. If only I could hear the audience laugh or cry with me, if only I could reach through the phone and hand my boss the papers he needs and see the approval in his eyes, if only my husband would steal me away for a weekend and we only talk about each other and our future and dreams of ministry without a worry in the world. If only....

Then there is the issue of being 25 and all my friends having babies. Wow. That's fun. I really haven't been left out of too many things in life. Sure I was never a part of the "in crowd", but God blessed me with accomplishments, friends and an amazing family. For the first time though, a clock in me is ticking and I can't do a darn thing about it. Tick, tock, tick, tock...where's that measley alligator following me around with the "mommy clock" in his belly? Where does he come from and how do I lose him for a few more years? Capt. Hook, I understand why the tick tock drove you mad now.

One would think that an amazing husband who loves the Lord would be enough. One would think that a dream job and being a part of something much bigger than myself would be enough. One would think that an incredible family full of love for us would be enough. One would think that not missing a meal and being fully clothed for all occassions would be enough. One would especially think that God's grace, His mercy, His love, His salvation and His desire to have a relationship with me would be enough.

I think it is. However, satan slanders this beautiful picture and tells me it's not.

That's where I sit tonight. Tired of the lies, tired of the restlessness and tired of looking for the greener grass. It's here. An incredibly wonderful picture, drawn by my Heavenly Father instead of Burt, lays before me on the sidewalk and all I need to do is jump into it with faith. I can't wait for Mary Poppins to take my hand...it's time to jump.

Hello contentment. I'm here to stay. "Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am." Philippians 4:11

Father God, Please move powerfully in my heart right now and break me of my restlessness nature. I need your forgiveness and grace and I repent of speaking from want. Please don't leave me to my fleshly desires and wants. They will not fulfill me. Only You can satisfy. You are my living bread and water. I love You and I will step in faith into the picture you have painted for me and I will be content with what You have placed before me. I'm thrilled and grateful for Your many, many blessings. I am learning to be content and I ask for Your strength as I embark on this journey. Thank you, Father.

The Beauty of Grace

Have you ever been hard on yourself? Ha! I heard that laugh out loud! It happens to the best of us... frozen pizza uncooked because you forgot to take the card board off, pasta all over the kitchen floor because you missed the strainer, hurt hubby because you bit his head off without even thinking twice, lonely friend because you haven't called in weeks, screwed up on an email at work that was to the President of some company and now you just remembered it's your mother-in-law's Birthday tomorrow and you haven't a clue what to get her, let alone has it been shipped. The next thing you know you are sulking. It's the biggest, ugliest pity party since you don't know when and mascara is streaking down your rosey cheeks and the pillow is covered in tears. All you can think is, "Why can't I do anything right?!?" You ponder and ponder your many faults, "too vast to count the sum of them".

Has this ever been you or am I really as odd as my husband thinks I am? Well, one of my many rollercoaster valleys consists of just that and I have come to the conclusion that I must get to the bottom of it so I can rise above it!

My current memory verse is Ephesians 2:4-5, "But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus."

Wow! Ok, before we get too excited here, we need to look at the entire context. I don't believe Paul was talking about our uncooked pizzas but rather our ugly, wretched sin and nature of wrath. Some of the items I listed above are indeed obvious sin (biting my hubby's head off), the other items may be a result of a more hidden sin that shows it's face but doesn't usually reveal it's name...Pride. Yuck! I never wanted to admit that I had pride. Ok, let me phrase that a little better, my pride didn't want me to admit that I had pride. Every time you think of having a pity party you might as well call it a "prideful pity party". They can be the most self-focused parties ever thrown. Now, having said that, let's get back to the good news!

If we are saved, then there is abundant good news in those verses. Paul speaks of our wretchedness and then says two very key words..."But God". Those words change everything and lay the foundation for the next part. Being rich in mercy, because of His great love for us, God made us alive and raised us together to sit together with Christ Jesus! All of this because by GRACE we have been saved.

I pray, Father, that the next time I think of throwing a "prideful pity party" that I will remember this verse, remember your mercy and your grace, repent from my sin and by Your strength return to Your fellowship and the blessings you have given me such as a seat with Christ Jesus in the Heavenly places!

I pray that I will also remember this verse when someone else in my life needs grace. When my husband is cranky or hurts my feelings or forgets to do something, or when my friend doesn't handle a situation well. I want to give them grace like you have given me grace.

The beauty of grace is that it is a gift to us from God, not because we deserve it (lands sake there is no way!), but because He is rich in mercy and has a great love for us.