RAW, HONEST, ME

Well, it's late...I'm tired...and it's been a long 2 weeks. SO many fun days and times and SO many long days and frustrating times. God has heard my prayers, comforted me and given me strength. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. My emotions, however, often feel like the wind, ever changing it's direction. It has been a long time since I have just written straight from my heart. I'm usually way too concerned with what people think and how they will perceive me. Somewhere I read though that a great writer is an honest writer. Well, here goes it for honesty!

Random note: I don't have a single weekend planned out for the next 2 months and it is driving me crazy. We have several places we need/want to go, but have no idea how it will all work out or if we will get any of it accomplished. For a gal who has had a planner since she was 10, this is a stretch. Last night I began praying that God would make our schedule clear to us, that I would trust Him and let Him lead us and that we would have the mindset of acknowledging that we aren't even garaunteed tomorrow. I really need faith behind this prayer!

My mom's cousin passed away this past week due to cancer and it is so extrememly sad. Scripture tells us though to rejoice that they are with Jesus if they are saved and I beleive she is. However, she is leaving behind sons and a beloved husband as well as her mom and aunts and uncles, extended family, friends, etc. who all loved her and will miss her very much. I'm really concerned for my one aunt and uncle and cousin in particular. Please pray with me that they hear the gospel through this, that God softens their hearts and that they will be saved.

Compared to that my issues seem so petty...but since I live with my issues daily inside our apartment then they grow into a monster of a mess. Ever feel chained to something? It's like this... everything that I want to be doing right now I either can't due to finances, this season of life we are in or because I will let a bunch of people down. Now, God is bigger than all of those reasons and can totally change the circumstances. Do I ask Him to? Do I wait and see what He has planned? Do I just shut up and trust? Should I take a leap towards a dream? Am I not trusting Him by asking all of this? Am I just waiting for answers to appear in the sky or through someone else? Am I really just struggling with discontentment? How do I know? Why can't I just be happy with where I am?

There you have it. You have heard it. I can't tell you all of the details. I can, however, tell you that God has blessed us immensely. I'm not just saying that to feel better, I am saying it because I know it to be true. Sometimes I just need to hear that, "Everything is going to be ok" phrase. By stopping and thanking God for His blessings, it's a way to remind myself of that truth. It's all going to be ok. He loves us more than I can imagine and that either way, no matter what happens, I must trust Him, take faith and be of good courage. Even when it's hard. Even when my heart is sinking and my questions are rising. Even when daily life doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere near my dreams. He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

"For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a peace." Jeremiah 29:11.

Thank you, Jesus, and thank you, my kindred spirits, for helping me process.